Breaking News. An old man, who believes he can talk to made-up sky gods, bestows sainthood on two dead men from the same anachronistic institution. An institution that denies people contraception, has a deep set aversion to equal rights, covers up centuries of systematic abuse of children and the vulnerable, is tainted by scandal, sexism and hatred and believes that dubious claims about miracles should be taken seriously whilst ignoring all the latest scientific evidence that contradicts their out of date beliefs.
In scenes that could have been taken from a 'Python' film, the BigPappaPope was asked three times in a dead language to make JP-II and John XXIII saintly. He then took some blood and some skin from the dead men and said some magical incantation and 'FLLOOMFF', his followers now have two more saints, as holy and wonderful as all the other, historically inaccurate popely saints.
The Catholic Church, which has struggled in recent times to be squeaky clean and relevant, said that the new popes were 'men of courage'. History can now be re-written within the teachings of the church and these men will forever be held as having done magical miracles and nothing but good work. Happy days.
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